1. Which book has been on your shelves the longest?
Well being that I lost a bunch of books in the great Vestal Flood of '06 (yes really) I honestly don't know what I still have, but the first real book I remember reading and owning which I know is still floating around the house somewhere is Dear Mr. Henshaw by Beverly Cleary

2. What is your current read, your last read and the book you'll read next?
Current: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, The Doll's House (collected issues 9-16 of Sandman) and On Revolutions by Mark Z. Danielewski
Last: Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters
Next: Hopefully the Tragic Menagerie by Lydiya Zinovieva-Annibal because I need to return it to the library before the semester starts and I left it at home in Vestal

3. What book did everyone like and you hated?
The catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, Though I have quite liked some of his other things.

4. Which book do you keep telling yourself you’ll read, but you probably won’t?
I'm not sure, I like to think I'll get to all the things waiting for me to read this summer.

5. Which book are you saving for “retirement?”
Saving? Like keeping around or not reading until retirement? I'll probably read incessantly once I'm retired. Like I did when I was in high school before leisure reading was almost a foreign concept.

6. Last page: read it first or wait till the end?
Wait until the end. For sure. I'm not that impatient.

7. Acknowledgements: waste of ink and paper or interesting aside?
Interesting aside if it's a book I want to read. Dedications are better though.

8. Which book character would you switch places with?
Sybel from Forgotten bests of Eld. Although Josh and I figured out once I finally got him to read this that I should relate more with Coren (because that book is a really weird retelling almost of why our relationship works), Sybel still appeals because she lives on a mountain in a crystal house with animals who talk to her and only her.

9. Do you have a book that reminds you of something specific in your life (a person, a place, a time)?
Lots.

10. Name a book you acquired in some interesting way.
I stole my copy of Trumpet of the Swans from the library at camp when I was 10. There was another copy... and I didn't think anyone would probably miss it.

11. Have you ever given away a book for a special reason to a special person?
Lent, not given. But yes. I lent Josh Forgotten Beasts of Eld for a plethora of reasons, but mainly because in reading that book I think you can understand me better.

12. Which book has been with you to the most places?
Eld. It's pretty beaten up at this point.

13. Any “required reading” you hated in high school that wasn’t so bad ten years later?
I never reread anything I read in high school that was required reading. But I really disliked The Pearl by John Steinbeck. I'm sure I still wouldn't like it now.

14. What is the strangest item you’ve ever found in a book?
Somebody's phone number

15. Used or brand new?
Used if it's only by me. Or library books because I love the way old books smell. But I dislike when people write in library books. Seriously that's public property use post its or something. I don't like being told when I'm reading a book what somebody else thought was important. It takes all the fun out of reading it.

16. Stephen King: Literary genius or opiate of the masses?
I've never actually read any Stephen King, so I'll air on the side of ignorance, but I generally am just not into that genre of story.

17. Have you ever seen a movie you liked better than the book?
Not that I can remember.

18. Conversely, which book should NEVER have been introduced to celluloid?
I know there are some in my brain somewhere, but at the moment I'm drawing a total blank.

19. Have you ever read a book that's made you hungry, cookbooks being excluded from this question?
Yes. When I read the first Dragonlance book ages and ages ago in high school (which I actually didn't like) there's a scene with a muffin, one of the characters dreams about a muffin. And it made me want a muffin.

20. Who is the person whose book advice you’ll always take?
Josh. Because he knows my taste in books.

( ...you find things that just make you smile. )

I miss my babies.

Well I think I finally wore Sparky out for ten minutes.... okay I guess not he's already back. I just walked him around the neighborhood twice, played fetch with him in the living room for twenty minutes and have spent probably two collective hours running around with him in the back yard. And that's just been today.... It's driving me nuts. I'm too laid back to exert every ounce of energy I have on keeping a puppy busy because he's used to having five other people in the house to keep him constantly occupied. I'm beat already, slept like crap last night because the dogs took up the whole bed and now he wants me to go play chase the laser with him, which will be another 2 hour affair. My arms are all scratched up from trying to keep him interested in toys other than his "red dot". I just want to go to bed...

I love this dog, but I can't invest five hours of my day running around with him. Especially when Sue is coming tomorrow to take photos of the house and I still haven't quite finished cleaning Josh's room... If he had ever thoroughly cleaned it since he moved into this room when the twins were born, this job would've been a lot easier. He just has too much shit. I don't even think I could fit all the stuff he has in here in the entire volume of my room, even if I excluded all the furniture. I love the man, but for God's sake...

Well Sparky is finally curled up, I think he was just running on energy from before and now that I'm not playing, he's calming down. He found a really old dead bird in the yard earlier so I'm just hoping that's not going to have consequences later tonight.

I just can't catch a moment's peace and it's driving me up a wall.

1. Rachael Sage is playing tonight at the Cyber Cafe if you call Josh or I in the next 45 minutes rides can be arranged if you want to go.

2. I would really like to go her second show tomorrow at 2pm for FREE at Barnes and Noble at 2pm. So if you have an inkling to go browse books please show up and support her. She's sweet and super talented. Plus Josh is working at 1 so if you go gimme a call if you feel like car pooling.

3. The Archery season has begun. If anybody wants to shoot targets and/or instruction (for those of my friends I still haven't taught to shoot) can be arranged. Plus I miss you all so come visit me.

I am sitting in the library at school waiting for Josh to come pick me up after his day at Dr. Monastra's office and in my e-mail I received an e-mail from Righteous babe, Ani's record label about a tribute CD to the late and great Utah Philips. If you've never heard of him before you should. if you read nothing else for the rest of the night at least make an effort to read this interview which was posted after his death in May of last year at democracynow.org

Utah was one of those people that defined the way I saw myself, the way I perceived the world. I had Josh listen to some of the stuff he recorded with Ani and he fell in love with it on the spot. I highly recommend both his albums with Ani. I can't speak for his actual musical body of work because I don't know much about it, but his philosophies are dead on.

I am coming to loathe the middle of the weeks. I can't stand being on campus for so late. I'd much rather get my classes out of the way earlier, but at least i am finding everything interesting.

1. I'm getting sick. Josh is warming me up some chicken and dumplings right now. I have a feeling I will have no voice very soon.

2. I received my annual e-mail from Kathy today, trying to figure out whether or not I'll be back this summer. I'm almost positive that I need to take time off, I just don't know if I will be able to tell Kathy that that's what I want. Too much attachment to the place for me to leave it behind.

3. Got a new phone yesterday. Much nicer. It actually has a camera. Woot.

But now I have food.

This past week has been full of turkey.

Last Saturday Josh came upstairs at around 12:30 to tell me that a whole slew of family members would be arriving within the hour for an early Thanksgiving dinner. His mother apparently neglected to tell us, which was okay really, just it was awfully short notice to get ready for a full on Thanksgiving dinner with family members I hadn't met yet. I finally got to meet his uncle and his wife and three kids. His maternal grandfather was also there, but I met Harry last year at Thanksgiving so I wasn't too worried about that. His family always seems so bizarre to me. I can never tell how anyone is related to him because everyone in his family is called by their first name. There was never just grandma or Uncle Jim or any sort of qualifier, just Joanne or Matt, and I have to put the pieces together. His family is confusing anyways because his maternal grandmother is estranged and I came into the relationship around the same time that his mother was pushing her away so I never met her. She and Harry divorced so really I've only heard stories of Lynn. The woman Josh calls Nana (or at least the kids do, he doesn't really) is the woman who really raised his mother, one of Harry's former girlfriends. Plus his father's family is equally confusing and riddled with divorce, most of whom I have never met because they live out of state. I have only ever spent time with his father a handful of times and usually I just stay quiet because his father is never in town unless he has another reason to be there so Josh gets to see him about as much as I do and it's more important for me to let him spend time with his dad who I know he misses.

It was nice for once though to have a family gathering where there are still kids. Everyone in my family is grown and having children of their own so all the kids in my family are still toddlers. And Jim's kids were very outgoing, don't care who they're playing with, they just play. In my family everyone just sits around the tv and stares at it.

Then after that Thanksgiving was over my mom called on Sunday and invited Josh and I for another turkey dinner. Dad had gotten a twenty pound turkey from work (he gets one every year) and mom didn't have enough room in the freezer to leave it there for long so she made a full on turkey dinner for Sunday as well.

Then of course my own Thanksgiving on Thursday. I always look forward to seeing my paternal grandparents. Though because Josh was not formally invited I didn't want to invite him and have it be a surprise so I had to field questions about his whereabouts all evening. Dinner was fine. Nothing spectacular. I refuse to talk about anymore of the workings about my dad's side of the family because it just makes me angry. I love spending time with my grandparents, but just about anybody else in my family I could have done without.

Grandpa was surprisingly understanding about me not returning to Hive. I think when mom and dad went to go visit them at Kendall in Ithaca where they're living now mom had words with him about how they treated me this past summer and he didn't put up a fight just said well I understand when I told him I knew I couldn't go back to Hive. At least not for a summer or two. Maybe later in life, but not now. But we had a pretty good conversation with him about what my plans were for after school and I told him I would like to go and get a masters degree at some point and he seemed very enthusiastic, which doesn't surprise me because he is very much an advocate of education of any kind.

After dinner we drove out to my other grandmother's house for desert. My mother's whole family was there except for my Aunt Debbie whom I grow more and more disenchanted with every time I see her, but that's another story. My Aunt Carol was in town from Ohio and I rarely get to see her, but because of that I often forget how much I love her. This is a woman who once named a dog Pop Tart.

Yesterday was Iris' birthday so the old crew from high school, or at least what of it is left around Vestal, got together with her family at her mother's house for dinner. We ended up playing ungodly amounts of Rockband which was super fun. We even got Iris' mom to play bass guitar for a song. That might have to be a new weekly get together.

Right now I am oogling thse socks for whatever reason. Maybe I just like seeing them on girly legs.

I also caught wind of a movie about Salvador Dali's early life as an artist and his relationship with Federico García Lorca. I am curious, though Robbert Pattinson plays Dali and that makes me really skeptical. Playing Cedric Diggory and Edward Cullen don't exactly prepare you to play Dali. Maybe he'll be good I don't know, but I have doubts about the movie itself anyhow. Dali was an incredibly complex person, especially in terms of his sexual relations and I think they'll screw it up an romanticize everything because it's a movie. It's like Johnny Depp portraying Hunter S. Thompson. Any lesser actor would have totally fucked up that movie and I'm not convinced that Robert Pattinson could pull off Dali.

Because my brain is all abuzz.

1. Lisa Hannigan's debut album "Sea Sew" First of all I am utterly in love with her from her work with Damien Rice, but her solo work surpasses her work with Mr. Rice. Don't get me wrong I love his music to death, ever since I saw Closer I have been a devoted Damien fan, but I always had this underlying wish to see more of Lisa. I've been waiting for this album for ages. And I am not disappointed. I am especially fond of "I Don't Know," "Ocean and a Rock," and "Courting Blues"

2. We by Evgeny (Eugene if you really want to Anglicize it) Zamyatin. This is the book Orwell got his idea for 1984 from. Admittedly I have not read 1984, but We is excellent. The story of a man, D-503 (people are identified in this society only as a letter followed by a series of digits), a mathematician, who lives in a society where rationality rules over all and the whole is greater than than the sum of all it's individuals. D-503 cannot even fathom the square root of negative one because of it's irrationality. No one has secrets, everyone lives in transparent houses and everything is governed by the "Tables." When one gets up in the morning, when one goes to work or eats or goes to sleep. Sex is scheduled and is the only time when privacy is allowed. D-503 starts out a normal citizen, but becomes disillusioned Because of it's anti-socialist content it was not published in Russian or in Russia for decades after it was written. It was actually published first in English and translated by a Russian Psycho-analyst living in America. I highly highly recommend it. Though having read it I am determined to read 1984. I know, the breadth of my knowledge in American literature is strikingly bare.

3. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. I mentioned this in my last entry, but I think it bears repeating and elaboration. This book is not for the easily creeped-out, as it is about a man who fancies young girls, but a very specific sort of young girl. In particular he falls in love with a young girl named Dolores Haze. Her mother calls her simply Lo, but Humbert Humbert, the novels' protagonist, takes to her immediately and calls her Lolita. It is at it's heart a love story, albeit a somewhat unusual and especially taboo sort of love, but the language is exquisite and full of all sorts of wordplay.

There's more, but Josh just got home, so i will reserve further notes on my intellectual consumption later.

Yesterday I performed my yearly civic duty.

I am ecstatic that Obama won the election, though I did not vote for him. No my presidential candidate is on ballot exile in Broome county, all the way at the bottom and the only candidate in the second column of presidential candidates. I realize this is an extremely momentous day for United States history and I have faith that Mr. Obama will bring some sort of change to this country, much needed change. But I can't help but wonder....

What's happened with all those gay marriage propositions that were put on the table for election day? Well let's see... ban's have been instated in both Arizona and Florida and California is still too close to call, but the word is it wall also pass.

What kind of country is this where not everyone can legally get married? or even legally have a civil union?

End.

So everyday at Josh's house I look at out the window to see this

( I love children )

They apparently threw this poor Barbie up on the roof weeks ago. For a while she was hanging out near the bird feeders by a noose. I'm not sure what kind of minds torturing Barbies breeds, but they intend to leave her naked out on the roof through the winter.

Sometimes I hate myself. I've been listening to that self destructive little voice that whispers in the back of your consciousness. I let things spin out of control. I wish I could just get out.

Go to urbandictionary. com and type in your answer to each question in the search box, then write the FIRST definition it gives you.


1. Your name
Alisha

1. Usually a hot curvacious female
2. A way to describe how awesome an item is.

"Whey hey look who turned all alisha on me"

"That was an alisha performance"

2. Your age?
23

The greatest number of all time.

Reasons why: It is...

1. a prime number, as are 2 and 3.
2. Michael Jordan's number.
3. the NBA record for most consecutive points scored by a single player in a game, done by none other than Michael Jordan.
4. the number of chromosomes in a human sperm or egg.
5. the angle between the earth's magnetic and rotational axis.
6. the Tropic of Cancer at 23 degrees N Latitude.
7. the Tropic of Capricorn at 23 degrees S Latitude.
8. a .com and the page is very cryptic.
9. the most quoted Psalm in the bible ("The Lord is my shepherd..."
10. the number of people executed in "A Tale of Two Cities"
11. the smallest number of people for which there is at least a 50% chance that two will share the same birthday.
12. the standard TCP/IP port for Telnet.
13. one of the "Lost" numbers on the television show....also the sum of two of the other numbers (8 & 15)and the solution to 42-15-4=23, all of which are also Lost numbers.
14. the number of times Caesar was stabbed in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar.
15. has been prominently featured in the following: Serendipity, Futurama, Star Wars A New Hope, Monty Python The Life of Brian, Seinfeld, The Big Lebowski, The Matrix Reloaded, and Die Hard III among MANY MANY other movies.
16. the number of flavors Dr. Pepper claims to be a blend of.
17. the number of distinct orientations of Tetris pieces.
18. the sum of U2, the greatest band ever. U is the 21st letter of the alphabet.
19. the number of letters in the latin alphabet.
20. the number of the Illuminati.
21. the letter W in the english alphabet, a letter with 2 points down and 3 points up.
22. the smallest number of integer sided boxes that tile a box such that no two boxes share a common length.
23. the only US president to serve between nonconsecutive terms of another president (23rd president Benjamin Harrison serving between Grover Cleveland's terms).
Michael Jordan IS number 23. Be like Mike.

3. One of your friends?
Nicola

considered gorgeous by everyone, guys love nicola's, girls are jealous of them. smile alot and know how to make other people smile around them. generous and kind. natural leaders and is quick to decide on matters. their first initive is always right. people see nicola's as an exciting, rather impulsive personality. nicola's are bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything. someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. people enjoy being in their company because of the excitement that radiate. yet she is often talked about, this is only the green eyed monster.

i wish i had legs like nicola.
did you hear that about nicola?
nicola is so hot.


4. What should you be doing?
Getting dressed

Masturbating on the run.

"The car'll be here in 5 minutes! What are you doing in there, anyway?"
"I'm getting dressed, Mom! I told you!"

5. Favorite color?
Purple

Extremely potent marijuana, specifically marijuana buds that have a purple hue to them. Also accompanied by a fragrant, usually fruity smell and mad perma-grin.
Yo, you gotta come over and smoke, boy! I got the purple!

6. Hometown?
Vestal

A lame-ass town in upstate New York.

-Dude, what is that scar on the landscape?
-It is Vestal.


7. Month of your birthday?
October

10th month of the year

"I was born in October"

8. Last person you talked to?
Josh

A common name for handsome, intelligent men with big dicks, who are great in bed, commonly god like.

"My boyfriend is such a Josh." (well that is true...

9. What annoys you the most?
Hypocrisy

George W. Bush

War on Terrorism

10. Your nicknname?
Pepe (I won't do all the variations... Pep, Pepper, Pepsi)

name given to ones own self when the substitute is in

hey Miss Fruid, its Pepe not George

Rainbow

1. An optical illusion that appears after a rain-storm with 7 indigionous colours.
2. A term used within the gay community to acknowledge acceptance amongst it's members.

A beautiful rainbow was over Grandmom's house after the showers ended.
Todd and James found the rainbow sticker on the door and knew it was gay-friendly.

Ethel

A very horny pirateer who likes to say "arrrg, me wooden leg fell in me toilet again and it be lookin like a wooden log o' shat!!!"
Aye, there me matey Ethel!

Perhaps a real entry after I do Greek homework.

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...just type it in man!

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

Opening Credits: Drowned World/Substitute for Love- Madonna

Waking Up: Love- Smashing Pumpkins

First Day At School: Royally Fucked- Mindless Self Indulgence

Falling In Love: Down on Me -Big Brother and the Holding Company (its listed as Janis Joplin, but I know better)

Losing Virginity: Drive- Melissa Ferrick (this is totally the sexiest song EVER!)

Fight Song: Hope Is...- Killswitch Engage

Breaking Up: Not About Love- Fiona Apple

Prom: Almost Grown- Chuck Berry

Life: Featherwoman- Rachael Sage

Mental Breakdown: Go or Go Ahead- Rufus Wainwright

Driving: Back to School (Mini Maggit)- Deftones

Flashback: Farewell to the Old Me- Dar Williams

Getting Back Together: Fire Door- Ani DiFranco

Wedding: Jenny- Flight of the Conchords

Birth of Child: Coffee Stain- Sarah Harmer

Final Battle: Never Said- Liz Phair

Death Scene: My Eliza- Rachael Sage

Funeral Song: Without a Fight- Edie Carey

End Credits: Some Might Say- Oasis

Some of those are uncanny, and some are ridiculous. Like ummm Jenny as my wedding song. That would actually be kind of hilarious.

Greek homework calls.

People who think it is their business to log into accounts that aren't theirs.

The way my brain works. Or more probably the intricacies of hormones.

Why campers seem to think I'm cool.

I went to bed last staring at the far wall in Josh's bedroom, thoughts all everywhere, but mostly at camp. I think my mother might physically forbid me to do so if I told her I was still considering going back next year. I don't know what I'll do about Kathy and the other counselors who are all in with her. I woke up this morning having dreamed of JuJu and I have been in some other state of mind since then. In my mind all the kids who have touched my life (of which there are so many) should overrule whatever stupid administrative things I have to deal with. I have a pile of letters a mile high to write.

Saw Megh and Loni and Connie this week. Megh moved away to the City the weekend and it was a sort of goodbye get together. I finally went to the Panera on the Parkway. Ayana and Alana were working there. We went to the high school after eating to see the renovations and it was unreal. It was like walking into an hour long flashback. I remembered things I hadn't thought about in years. They tore out my freshman year locker though.

I had so much more to say. I don't know where it all went.

I don't even have words....

People are silly.

Camp is frustrating me, but today was quite good. It didn't rain!

My former campers and I had an in depth discussion today about unicorn poop. Anna asked me if it was sparkly.

Day off tomorrow with the grandparents. I love being the favorite grandchild. Though i don't expect grandpa to understand my camp difficulties. He's in his own little world about camp. Plus he takes a lot of morphine for his back.

My bed this half is super comfy.

Drank too much water at dinner (we had a water drinking contest) and then I peed six times within the two hours following. There are too many stairs on the way to the bathroom for me to have to pee that many times.

I am feeling more healthy, though I still have a nasty cough.

Pringles are awesome. Oh and I need gummi bears.

Randomness is awesome.

So I have pneumonia. I was originally going to come home Monday for a whole mess of reasons. I am still sort of in between. Kathy is still trying to brush me under the rug because I won't stick up for myself and I do my job and don't complain. They can't afford to lose me. Table seating fell apart totally this week without me because I was in the infirmary for five days and sick for two days before that were I didn't have a fever yet. I might still come home early. If my energy levels don't come up in the next week and I still feel like I need two or three naps a day just to get through I think a voyage home is in order. Kathy says why don't we wait until the end of Elfin week. I might try and sabotage myself just so I can go home and screw them over like they constantly screw me over.

They took my campers away from me. For a whole mess of reasons, but basically because I shouldn't have been given Dolphins in the first place. I don't have enough time to spend with them apparently and really I think there were parent politics involved. 2 of my campers cried when I told them I couldn't be their counselor anymore and 1 didn't. She didn't like me anyways and I'm pretty sure her mother had a lot to do with me being made to have no campers. She threatened to tell her mom anytime I did something she didn't like and wrote a lot of letters home about stuff. They are trying to play it off my campers aren't mine anymore because I was sick, but that's a fucking lie. Things were in motion before I started this whole sickness deal. Administrative entities bother me. A lot.

So now somebody else has my campers. And I'm living in a tent with two other counselors. And I don't know what to do with myself all day. I helped Amy out in the office today while I would normally be teaching.

I am totally falling asleep already. I think we're getting ice cream after this. I hope we're not staying too long.

Maybe I'll see some of you sooner than you thought. A nice warm bed sounds so enticing right now.

If I had somewhere in the vicinity of $800 to spare and I shot more competitively I would get this in less than a heart beat and throw Samick Universal Carbon limbs on it.

Trying to find parts online for broken bows we have at Hive, but the bits are either outdated or I can't find them separately.

Ugh. My department is in dire need of updating.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning at ten a.m.

I'm exhausted.

I'm almost looking forward to it. At least I know Nicola is there already.

A visit from Melissa and Amanda is in the works, plus Josh will probably caravan up with loni and Tom at Show Weekend so I won't be alone all summer.

Love you all. I'll try and keep you posted.

Have a great summer.

I've walked along the edge
I've seen my death
It came before my
eyes and blinded by
the light
I realized
Too long I've been without
The feeling of alive
Lost inside the fog

I've been
Lost inside my mind
and I forgot that I
am free.
I can be what I want to be.

Live.
Find the means.
Be what you want to be.
You can exist
Find your reality
Be what you wanna be.

Dancing on the shards
I found pain
I found The feeling of awake
Isn't it serene?
How we can behave?
Our paisley brains
Numb inside the daze

Can't we be?
Can't you be?
Be what you want to be
You can live
Find your reality
Be what you wanna be

Powered by illusions all around
I have made the choice
To find my voice and
let it ring
throughout the Cave
And end this
Happiness in
slavery
I won't go down that way.

I will be.
I can be
Be what I wanna be.
I can exist
Within this reality
And be what I want to be.

~Sarah Fimm - Be What You Wanna Be

I don't usually put a lot of faith in dream dictionaries because I think in most cases dreams mean more to the person who experienced them than any book of symbols could tell you. But I've been having reoccurring dreams about tornadoes lately, which really unnerves me. When I was a kid I used to have a ridiculous fear of tornadoes. Not that tornadoes are a particularly difficult thing to pin down symbolically, but on a whim I looked them up in an online dictionary and the description is uncanny.

1. To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive?
2. To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications.
3. To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.

I can't seem to shake this overwhelming sensation that my life is constantly on the verge of some new phase, but never actually reaching anything new.

I feel like I should be moving on, like I am progressing, but something is tied to my pinky toe and at the end of my forward step it catches me and I fall flat on my face.

I actually know exactly what it is. I just can't let go of the past. I keep my past in my past. I learned that I had to. But things in my past keep popping up, people I thought I'd let go... old conflicts of conscience and reminders of everything I've left behind. The thing is you can never truly leave anything behind. It's all just a part of you.

I've been in this oddly creative mood and I'm not sure where to put it.

I'm just babbling because Josh IMed me in the middle of this and it's totally breaking my flow. Maybe I'll be more coherent tomorrow

The obligatory camp address entry is coming soon as well.

don't you know
for a moment know
you think the world owes you
it don't owe you a thing

there's a man doing time
keeping a rosebush alive
he was wrongly accused
40 years and still survived

don't you know
for a moment know
you think the world owes you
it don't owe you a thing

when it's given all it can
the best you must invent
when it's given all it can
the best you must go get

there's a rosebush inside
keeping a man alive
and we all need hope
like want the sunshine

you think the world owes you
you got to want the sunshine
it don't owe you a thing
You got to want the sunshine

~Sean Hayes- Rosebush Inside (Morees Bickham)

P.S. Sean is my new musical obsession... he is totally amazing.